School laptop used to masturbate again

Pictured: MacBook used in recent crime

ARDMORE, PA—Lower Merion School District (LMSD) administrators were defied once again yesterday as Lower Merion High School junior Alice Watson used her school-issued one-to-one laptop to access web content which served as masturbation fodder and aided her in reaching orgasm. This incident, in which Alice accessed erotic content with school property, was reportedly in flippant violation of the Children’s Internet Protection Act, which forbids that school computers be used to access obscene material, and the LMSD Acceptable Use Policy, which forbids use of one-to-one laptops for non-school purposes “on a more than incidental basis.”

“Tartar sauce!” Lower Merion IT official David Feight told The Box Turtle. “We do our best to protect Lower Merion students from swearwords and material that appeals to the prurient interest, but sometimes those little fudgers get through.”

Despite blocking of websites and search terms, Alice and other students at Lower Merion and Harriton High Schools have committed such appalling acts against the state over 1.5 million times since the start of the one-to-one laptop program in 2008. Many students wait for the filtering software to stop working and then pull up pornography, while others, like Alice, have more clever ways of subverting the software.

“I like to pull up YouTube videos of shirtless men wrestling and pleasure myself to the sight of their sweaty bodies,” Alice told our reporters. “I’m just exploring my sexuality in low-risk ways.”

Alice has been engaging in courageous acts of civil disobedience against government censorship ever since she— “The fuck are you talking about? I’m just getting my rocks off!”

Alice’s behaviors have alarmed the Board of School Directors and her teachers. “These kids are not mature enough to jizz,” explained School Board member Laurie Actman, “nor are they smart enough to get answers to questions they ask.”

Alice’s family is also traumatized. Maria Watson, her mother, explained through tears, “It’s just sickening that my daughter has a sexuality already. She’s not supposed to have one until she’s eighteen!”

“Uh, what?” said Alice’s brother Joseph, a freshman, as he quickly minimized a browser window with Google image results for “bumblebee costumes fishnet stockings.”

At press time, Alice’s other brother Greg, a sophomore, was in his room with the door locked staring at still images of the puppet Peanut from a Jeff Dunham stand-up special.

5 fun things to do in the new Suburban Square parking lot

ARDMORE, PA—Black Friday is coming! Lower Merion residents are eager to spend time at Suburban Square, specifically in the recently opened multi-level parking lot, built over the original single-level parking lot. Here are some fun and exciting activities you can now enjoy in the new massive Suburban Square parking lot.

1) Park

Yes, one of the most exhilarating duties to perform in the new parking lot is to park your car! If you don’t have a car, you can leave your shoe in a spot so that other people know it’s yours.

2) Practice the tuba

The Suburban Square parking lot has excellent acoustics, perfect for practicing the tuba. Not only do you get to build your skills, but also passersby will appreciate the free music you provide.

3) Huff paint

The parking lot will have plenty of secluded spaces, perfect for inhaling fumes from spray paint, glue, or gasoline to get high. Whether you’re putting AXE body spray or Reddi Wip propellant into your bloodstream, the Suburban Square parking lot is prime real estate for low-budget high-getting.

4) Eat pizza

Seen while the parking lot was under construction

Look at these happy motherfuckers eating pizza! Fulfill the promise of the premises by eating pizza.

5) Worship Mammon

There’s no place like the Suburban Square parking lot to kneel before the ancient pagan god of greed and avarice. To help devote yourself to meditative prayers toward the lifestyle of wanton, gaudy materialism, the Apple Store is in sight from the western face of the parking lot.

Lot of people driving on I-76, but hey, what’s your rush, man?

PHILADELPHIA, PA—At press time, 4:52 PM on Friday, July 28, 2017, The Box Turtle’s top-of-the-line traffic team is observing lots and lots of cars, trucks, and other motor vehicles on both the eastbound and westbound portions of Interstate Route 76. As a direct consequence, we are being told, all the vehicles have to move slower than the speed limit permits. Experts from the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation indicate this is most likely due to a bunch of people leaving work around this time of day. PennDOT also claims that this is a predictable phenomenon in the system, known as “rush hour,” and that all is operating as normal. Analysts also warn that should people fail to act as if this is an expected phenomenon, they may be at a greater risk of moving their motor vehicles too fast and doing something that will cause themselves and all the other vehicles to move even more slowly.

Free valet parking while we solemnly reflect on the state of the union

Hey, man! What's going on? Don't answer that.

ARDMORE, PA—Welcome to Suburban Square! The parking lot by Urban Outfitters, unlike the Guantánamo Bay Detention Facility, is closed right now, so please enjoy free valet parking while we solemnly reflect on the state of the union. We’ve been under construction since August 2016, and fascism since January 2017, so just drive around to the courtyard with the Times Building and Apple Store, and someone from ParkOps will happily find a spot for your vehicle in the train station lot. Be sure to hold onto your ticket as you shop, drink some coffee, and/or stave off fears of nuclear war with North Korea, as your ticket will help ParkOps retrieve your car. During some periods of high traffic, you may have to wait about ten minutes to get your car back, but you’re welcome to sit or stand in the shade, play games on your phone, or call your member of Congress. We’ll be done construction on the new parking lot in a matter of months, so this is not normal. This is not normal. We’re sorry for the inconvenience and whatever the American Muslim community must be going through right now.

Yard sign stops deportation

MERION, PA—Deportation proceedings were halted on Wednesday as two Lower Merion police officers’ plans were foiled at the sight of a yard sign reading, “HATE HAS NO HOME HERE.”

The buck stops here.

The two Lower Merion police officers, deputized by US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), were about to arrest and detain local undocumented housekeeper Juanita Doe. According to sources, upon their arrival to her workplace, one police officer pointed out the sign in the yard and said to his partner, “What are we even doing, man?”

Witnesses report that the other police officer pointed to a sign across the street reading, “WE SUPPORT THE LOWER MERION POLICE DEPARTMENT,” and the officers resumed walking toward the driveway. However, they turned around upon seeing a second “HATE HAS NO HOME HERE” yard sign.

Don't mind me. I'm just gonna reinforce white supremacy with coded language.

Despite the prolific circle jerk of yard signs in this area, Lower Merion Township is not a sanctuary municipality, which means that Lower Merion Police Department policy is to cooperate with ICE and carry out detainer requests for undocumented immigrants should ICE ever issue one. Thankfully, the yard signs protect the dignity of immigrants in this area; not only do they stop police, but they also signal to immigrants that the homeowners will happily provide physical sanctuary to those being persecuted.

According to local undocumented immigrant Jorge C., “I like how these signs are unequivocal in their message. Like, those Hillary Clinton yard signs were really a toss-up.”

“I’m grateful that my employers’ yard sign helped me stay in this country longer,” Juanita told The Box Turtle. She then looked over her left and right shoulders and said quietly, “Pero me gustaría si me pagaran más.”