Lot of people driving on I-76, but hey, what’s your rush, man?

PHILADELPHIA, PA—At press time, 4:52 PM on Friday, July 28, 2017, The Box Turtle’s top-of-the-line traffic team is observing lots and lots of cars, trucks, and other motor vehicles on both the eastbound and westbound portions of Interstate Route 76. As a direct consequence, we are being told, all the vehicles have to move slower than the speed limit permits. Experts from the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation indicate this is most likely due to a bunch of people leaving work around this time of day. PennDOT also claims that this is a predictable phenomenon in the system, known as “rush hour,” and that all is operating as normal. Analysts also warn that should people fail to act as if this is an expected phenomenon, they may be at a greater risk of moving their motor vehicles too fast and doing something that will cause themselves and all the other vehicles to move even more slowly.

Free valet parking while we solemnly reflect on the state of the union

Hey, man! What's going on? Don't answer that.

ARDMORE, PA—Welcome to Suburban Square! The parking lot by Urban Outfitters, unlike the Guantánamo Bay Detention Facility, is closed right now, so please enjoy free valet parking while we solemnly reflect on the state of the union. We’ve been under construction since August 2016, and fascism since January 2017, so just drive around to the courtyard with the Times Building and Apple Store, and someone from ParkOps will happily find a spot for your vehicle in the train station lot. Be sure to hold onto your ticket as you shop, drink some coffee, and/or stave off fears of nuclear war with North Korea, as your ticket will help ParkOps retrieve your car. During some periods of high traffic, you may have to wait about ten minutes to get your car back, but you’re welcome to sit or stand in the shade, play games on your phone, or call your member of Congress. We’ll be done construction on the new parking lot in a matter of months, so this is not normal. This is not normal. We’re sorry for the inconvenience and whatever the American Muslim community must be going through right now.