School laptop used to masturbate again

Pictured: MacBook used in recent crime

ARDMORE, PA—Lower Merion School District (LMSD) administrators were defied once again yesterday as Lower Merion High School junior Alice Watson used her school-issued one-to-one laptop to access web content which served as masturbation fodder and aided her in reaching orgasm. This incident, in which Alice accessed erotic content with school property, was reportedly in flippant violation of the Children’s Internet Protection Act, which forbids that school computers be used to access obscene material, and the LMSD Acceptable Use Policy, which forbids use of one-to-one laptops for non-school purposes “on a more than incidental basis.”

“Tartar sauce!” Lower Merion IT official David Feight told The Box Turtle. “We do our best to protect Lower Merion students from swearwords and material that appeals to the prurient interest, but sometimes those little fudgers get through.”

Despite blocking of websites and search terms, Alice and other students at Lower Merion and Harriton High Schools have committed such appalling acts against the state over 1.5 million times since the start of the one-to-one laptop program in 2008. Many students wait for the filtering software to stop working and then pull up pornography, while others, like Alice, have more clever ways of subverting the software.

“I like to pull up YouTube videos of shirtless men wrestling and pleasure myself to the sight of their sweaty bodies,” Alice told our reporters. “I’m just exploring my sexuality in low-risk ways.”

Alice has been engaging in courageous acts of civil disobedience against government censorship ever since she— “The fuck are you talking about? I’m just getting my rocks off!”

Alice’s behaviors have alarmed the Board of School Directors and her teachers. “These kids are not mature enough to jizz,” explained School Board member Laurie Actman, “nor are they smart enough to get answers to questions they ask.”

Alice’s family is also traumatized. Maria Watson, her mother, explained through tears, “It’s just sickening that my daughter has a sexuality already. She’s not supposed to have one until she’s eighteen!”

“Uh, what?” said Alice’s brother Joseph, a freshman, as he quickly minimized a browser window with Google image results for “bumblebee costumes fishnet stockings.”

At press time, Alice’s other brother Greg, a sophomore, was in his room with the door locked staring at still images of the puppet Peanut from a Jeff Dunham stand-up special.